Exclusive | I’m a ‘horizontal parent’ – haters call it ‘lazy’ but my kids will thank me later

Brandon Bates’ kids run over him – and he takes it lying down.

However, the married father of 11-year-old daughter Madison and 7-year-old son Brandon is not put off.

It is simply a “horizontal” parent.

“Horizontal parenting allows me to enjoy some relaxation while playing with them without having to worry about getting too tired,” Bates, 40, of central New Jersey, told The Post.

“I’m lying down, they’re climbing all over me, we’re getting tied up,” he said. “It’s an all-around win.”

Unfortunately, though, not everyone sees the laid-back approach — which, you guessed it, involves laying on the floor, bed, couch and beyond — as a success.

Considered a “lazy” way to care for children by online detractors, the term coined by author Michelle Woo – who literally wrote the book Horizontal Parenting: How to Entertain Your Baby While Lying – all about quiet play in 2021 — is a method used by moms and dads hoping to avoid burnout by scoring a few precious moments of downtime while still engaging with their brood.

It’s a little more interactive than the once-viral strategy of sittervising, a completely simple form of remote supervision while the kids are having fun.

And it’s a far cry from the ever-controversial trend of “benign negligence,” one laissez-faire movement that practically gives children complete autonomy.

Instead, Woo says horizontal parenting provides a little mental health boost for moms and dads and sparks interactive creativity in kids.

“It’s a very fun and unconventional way to bond,” said Woo, 43, a married mother of two from Los Angeles.

She first dreamed up the non-traditional mommy and me technique when her daughter, Maggie, now 11, was an energetic 6-year-old and son Max, now 6, was a newborn. Her husband inspired the trend one day during playtime when the pair got down on the floor for some quiet fun with the little ones.

To write her how-to, Woo collected 50 innovative ideas from friends as well as members of the mommy group on social media who also figured out how to enjoy quality time while lying down.

She tells The Post that one of her favorite hassle-free hacks — especially during the most wonderful time of the year, when holiday burnout is at an all-time high — is the Gift Wrapping game.

“You lie down, let your kids wrap random objects in wrapping paper and pretend it’s Christmas Eve and you go to sleep,” Woo said. “You can relax while they’re wrapping them, and you’re still lying down while you unwrap the presents.”

Elkey and William Zandstra, Seattle-based parents of 3-year-old daughter Emray and 1-year-old son Ezrah, tell The Post that the “Massage Car T-Shirt” game keeps their tickets fun and gives dad a very necessary. .

“I drew a road map on the back of his white shirt, putting the main road directly on his spine,” said Elkey, 30, an Amazon supply chain manager and lifestyle influencer. “The children used a car-shaped massage roller and drove it around his back while he lay on the floor.”

“Everybody loved him.”

Footage of their free-spirited family time garnered over 1.4 million views on TikTok from impressed parents who hailed the peaceful entertainment as “genius” and “brilliantly funny”.

But William, a stay-at-home dad, calls it “dumb luck”.

“I just had a light bulb moment,” William laughed, adding that neither he nor Elkey had ever heard of horizontal parenting until fans flooded their comments section with the term in May.

“It’s about engaging and stimulating your kids by building on their interests while you can relax your body at the same time for a second,” he said, admitting that he usually gets about 20 minutes of quiet rest. during each escape.

And since William started, his creative juices just keep flowing.

“I like to keep materials like cardboard, felt, tape, makers and paints around the house,” said the full-time dad, who regularly turns everyday supplies into laughter-inducing games that play out on his body.

While the little ones laugh, he rests.

Elkey says William was lucky enough to catch some eyeballs during “Salon Play” and “Tattoo Parlor” – during which Emray and Ezrah use face paint and temporary tattoos, respectively, to decorate dad from head to toe.

“Horizontal parking is so fun and useful,” she said. “Not only for struggling parents, but also for parents with disabilities who may not be able to engage as much with their children.”

“These activities allow them to bond in different ways.”

Bates, whose youngsters are turning two — that weird stage between childhood and adolescence — hopes the horizontal parenting memories he and wife, Candice, create with their little ones will last a lifetime.

“We’re building a special bonding time with them every day,” Bates said. “As they grow older, they will always remember having this one-on-one time with mommy and daddy.”

Here are some of Woo’s favorite horizontal parenting practices.

how tall am i

Have your child estimate your height using household objects such as cereal boxes, soup cans or toilet paper rolls. Ask them to line up the objects next to your body – which is lying on the floor or sofa – and count them to see how close they were to finding your exact height. Children can grab different items for other game rounds.

Hide and seek

Instead of hiding, tell your kids to hide while you make guesses about where they are around the house. “Are you under the kitchen sink? Are you after the sower?” They love it.

Crime scene

Pretend that your body is found lying on the floor and that your child is a CSI agent. Give them painter’s tape to create an outline around your body for a “Who Unit?” fun.

Ninja walk

Lie face down, close your eyes and ask the children to pass by you as quietly as possible. But if you hear them take a look while they’re moving, shout “Ninja” and they have to start over from the designated starting point.